In all our preparations to move overseas and in the actual transition, I tried not to get overwhelmed or stressed out. I also tried not to fret and worry but I think (looking back now) that I failed at this continually. This was a huge leap into the unknown for our family. It was, at times, overwhelming and frustrating. And at other times it was just down-right scary to up and move our family to a foreign country to which I had never even been before. I had seen pictures and perused websites and I knew people living there but that is still all secondhand knowledge without any first person experience. Thus, at times, I worried. How would we communicate without knowing any German? How would we find a place to live without being able to communicate? How would my kids fair without any of their family or friends nearby? These were some of the overriding concerns along with more immediate ones like ‘How will my two and five year old children endure the all day and all night flight getting there?’ How will I keep them entertained and occupied in a hotel all day long? And will all our things in the shipping container actually arrive undamaged?
We were confident that the Lord knew our needs and concerns and we laid them before Him in prayer. But, I must confess, that I did not leave them there at His feet. I tried. But I think I failed and fretted and worried about some of these things that were so completely out of my control. I also tried keeping myself busy with endless task lists to keep my mind from worry. Sometimes it worked and probably sometimes it did not. There was much to keep busy with in those days. I would cross off one thing (like make a doctor’s appointment) only to add three more (like buy luggage, call the insurance agent, and donate unneeded items). But eventually, we did get on that plane and the “to do” list was tossed into the garbage and we were on our way to Germany at last! And then, a whole new “to do” list suddenly emerged that we never could have anticipated and the process was begun anew again on another continent. And, once again, I prayed and tried not to fret and probably failed repeatedly.
As we were settling into our new home and community across the ocean, we all missed our friends and family back home terribly. Our family had lived in the same city, in the same neighborhood, and in the same house for the previous nine years, so this was a BIG change for us all. And even though my husband had signed a two-year contract with his employer in Germany, we knew that when we eventually headed back to the states we would most likely head back to Boise, Idaho from which we had come. It was close to extended family and after nine years somewhere, you develop quite a few friends, and we had kept our two houses and rented them both. Thus, we kept in touch with family and friends back in and around Boise while living in Germany. I sent home email updates, set up a photo sharing website, and began a BLOG for those back in the states.
But again, I must confess, that looking back it feels like I spent much of my time and energy maintaining those relationships and even longing for those back home. And then, once we moved back (unexpectedly early—long before the two years were up) I think I spent much of the first six months missing those new friends back in Germany! Looking back it feels like a failed lesson in contentment on my part. Being a kid who grew up on Star Wars, I like to call it the Luke Skywalker lesson of attentiveness. I can hear Yoda’s voice chastising Luke by saying, “This one I have watched for a long time. And his mind is never on where he is and what he is doing!”
Now, I certainly don’t believe in an impersonal “Force” or that God speaks in a Yoda-voice. But, I have felt His correcting nudge in my life and heard similar words of rebuke in my head and heart. Sometimes I miss living in the moment because my attention is elsewhere. This is a mistake I have seen others make repeatedly and one I thought I might never be guilty of doing. How wrong I was!
I had a childhood friend who I met near the end of grade school who could not wait to get to Junior High. Once in Junior High, she was already wishing for High School and then in High School she was already longing for College. I lost touch with her between High School and College and when I ran into her again in College, once again, she was already focusing intently on the post-College plans of her life. I just never wanted to be like that; always wishing my life away. And yet, I certainly think I was guilty of that very thing during our time overseas. It wasn’t that I did not want to be there. Quite the contrary! I had hoped and prayed and planned for the day. But, when it came, I think I underestimated the complete cost of uprooting my family and moving them far away to another continent. It was a grand adventure but a slightly lonesome one too.
After further reflection, I realize that I was being pretty tough on myself when I first transcribed these words on paper. Part of my longing for friendships back in Idaho while residing in Germany, was partly just because I was in the process of making friends over there while those friends “back home” already knew us, understood us and no long explanation was required. And then when we returned to the states, the reverse happened. Suddenly when trying to share a funny or interesting experience of living overseas with a friend, there was so much context and culture to have to explain and still they often just did not get it. Or, when I started to share something, I would often see a friend’s eyes glaze over or that look in their eye telling me that they really were not interested in knowing. This was tough. But, my friends back in Germany would so understand and would so care to hear and know because they had been there and experienced it. So, once again, it was a lonely existence for a time. So, maybe just maybe it wasn’t ALL about discontent—I’m sure there was some of that. But, it was also about belonging and being understood, which as a friend so aptly said, “Is a great luxury that one does not always possess.”
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